I composed a tweet last November that I was told had beautiful and elegant phraseology. That it was haunting and hypnotic.
One of you has asked me to explain how it came about - who it's about. It's about and event - a very upsetting event. And the days after that. I think about all of it every day. So, I'll do my best to convey on a blog the weight of it all and the impact it had on my life. You'll either get it - or you won't.
The tweet: "She said what she said was beautifully simple. And true. Then she smiled as she thought about it again."
The Event: The night before Thanksgiving, last year, I accidentally killed one of my 2 young cats with the garage door. She died instantly. My mother and my children were in the house and I found her body when TAG and I walked outside to go meet his family for dinner.
I ran inside screaming as he tried, in vain, to get any signs of life from her crushed, little body. Mom tried to calm everyone down and TAG took her body to an Emergency Vet center.
I was sick about it. Everyone else seemed to be coming down from the shock but I couldn't stop crying. The sadness and guilt were too much for me. I laid across my daughter's bed and cried as I promised her that it was an accident. I told her I didn't know if I could ever forgive myself.
"Sure you can, Mommy. I forgive myself for things all the time."
"Huh? What do you mean, Baby? How do you even know how to forgive yourself?"
Then she said what she said. It was beautifully simple. And true. My 10 year old daughter said something so calmly, confidently and quietly you would have thought an angel was whispering the words into her ear as she spoke.
What she said: "I just acknowledge what I did, think about why I did it and what I can do to learn from that. And I try my best not to do it again."
That was it. THAT is what I'd been to several therapists to find out - but none of them could articulate to me HOW to forgive myself for many things. For years I'd been searching for what it means. Then how I would do it. And all along, it was so simple a child told me.
When she was finished, we both stared at each other in silence. No expressions on our faces. All I could see was her face and the innocence in it.
I hugged her and said "Thank you, Baby. THAT is what I needed."
Immediately after that exchange, I felt a little better. TAG came back empty-handed (we all knew he would) and I told him that God had to take Prissy from us for me to finally learn how to forgive myself for something.
The next Monday: It's all about timing. The next Monday just happened to be a day that I went to therapy. The Holiday was over. The cat was still VERY upsetting, but I'd had a few days to get used to what I'd learned from the angels that spoke through my daughter.
I told my therapist the story and how my baby girl explained what it meant to forgiving yourself. She didn't say anything. She just smiled for an entire minute. Not a toothy grin, but a pensive upturn at each corner of her mouth. She kept her eyes down at the floor and she nodded her head very slowly.
She said what she said was beautifully simple. And true. Then she smiled as she thought about it again.