I'm starting over - almost.
Reader feedback indicates an overall lack of detail in my blog.
They want "blood" - the good, the bad and stuff that's hard to talk about.
So... I guess it begins here.
I started this blog at a time in my life when I needed someone to listen to me. More than that, I needed someone to tell me I was OK - that there are other people like me, and that I'm not a bad person.
I figured a blog was the safest way to do that. I could write - a coping mechanism/medicator since childhood, and no-harm no-foul if no readers found it. I felt better getting it all out into the universe becuase I didn't have to carry the weight of myself on my own shoulders.
I was married to a man who was almost perfect. We were destined to be together. I don't know if we could have stayed apart if we'd tried. He was thoughtful, kind, smart, silly, driven, quite judgemental and very controlling.
The signs were all there, but I didn't see them, even when my family and friends pointed them out. Long story short, over the years, we grew apart. Different lives became seperate lives. My interests and craving for adventures - of all sorts - didn't appeal to him because they were "disgusting," "abnormal" or "immoral" That last one was my favorite. (Judgement.)
So, I went adventuring with others.
And I had a fucking blast.
This went on for a long time. I asked a few times for a divorce, but he was determined to maintain the outward appearance of marital bliss we had projected for over a decade. (Control.)
When I started this blog in 2009, I felt trapped here, in the same house I write from, still.
But, I'm not trapped here anymore.
For more than 3/4 of the last year, when I posted thoughts, questions or even just vented, I restrained myself from saying what was real in my heart or churning in my head, because he could read it. Anytime he wanted. And I didn't want to make things more uncomfortable, so I chose my words carefully. (Control.)
He still can, I guess. (This IS the internet, after all. )
There it is. Thats why I started this blog and why so many entries sound so sad - it's cuz I was sad.
The difference is that when I created natblake.com over a year ago, I was hopelessly sad. Now, I'm hopefully sad.