I don't at all mean that sarcastically.
"What if" fuels my career. It has allowed me to see beyond what others can envision and enables me to help myself and others get farther faster than if I hadn't asked. I routinely ask questions most people would never come up with.
But, "What if" can be crippling to someone with anxiety. It causes decision-making to be harder, take longer and often manifests as hyper-worry. With my intelligence and creativity, I can conjure outlandish things to worry about that make other people laugh and me cry. To me, these are real things that could really happen and involve people I really know and care deeply about. It is nearly impossible for me to differentiate between something worth worrying about and something that should be let go as a passing thought without help.
Right now I'm worrying.
I'm worrying about if I made he right decision this morning to end a relationship with someone - someone unlike I have ever known in my life. He knows how to help me when I worry. He's smart - a genius. He's unique - in good ways. He's thoughtful - words can not explain. And although he doesn't understand why I do the things that I do - he tries, hard, to. All because he loves me. He loves me so much.
And, now I'm anxious because I'm worrying if I made the right decision. When I'm at whatever 'place' I'm hoping to get to and I'm ready to be with him, will he still be there? And will he still want to be with me if he is? What if he's not around anymore - he's moved on? Will I ever find someone else as patient? Understanding? With such an open heart?
It's all those "What if's" driving me crazy.
I did it for the reason I outlined in my last post: I feel an overpowering urge to get myself to a better place, so I can be a better partner. I tried to explain that I can't get my own act together if I'm doing it around someone else. But... I don't think I did a very good job. I even said something ridiculous like "It's not you, it's me." It really IS me and really NOT him. But, when you're the one saying it you feel stupid and you never want to be the one hearing it. The whole conversation went down like a bad movie scene.
He deserves better. Especially for all that I've put him through.
But the words were said. I have to do my work and have faith that what I did today was worth it - for both of us - no matter what happens.