Truth can offer so much happiness and cause so much pain - in the same conversation.
Hearing the truth hurts, but telling the truth can hurt, too.
Hurting someone with the truth, whether they ask for it or not, can be as painful as being caught off guard with it yourself. It's unavoidable though - all of it - the hearing and the telling. At some point you will be on the shitty side of that conversation and the shitty side will be whichever side you happen to be on.
Sometimes though, even if hearing the truth cuts through you like a knife, you know you needed to hear it and you're grateful - even if it's not right away. These are the pearls that are gifted to you through pain that can change your life. Do you choose to take that little, unsolicited pearl and use it to make your life better? Or hide the pearl where you'll forget about it – and the pain?
You know your life is in turmoil – chaos – when you’re both collecting and confessing truths on the fly.
Once truth travels from your heart to your head to your mouth then leaves… you can never get it back. It’s out there – forever. Their face gets pale, they cry, their eyes turn angry, their breath leaves… and YOU did that to them. Was it worth it? Did you do it to help them? Or to get something off your chest they never needed to know? Or did they? Did they really? Was it a selfish attempt on your part to free your heart or soul or conscious from the thing that keeps you up at night?
Lately I’ve heard some raw truths, but I’ve also had to deliver them. Vocalized thoughts and feelings I’ve kept from loved ones and friends for years. It’s terrifying. Why did I tell the truths – the ones that I knew would hurt them – the ones they didn’t ask for because they didn’t know to ask…? Should they be wounded because they didn’t?
It’s because of my chaos that I don’t tell people more than they need to know. They wouldn’t understand and I don’t WANT to hurt them. When you offer too much, you cause pain. But when you keep too much back, it hurts them anyway. Why do I make things hard when it’s all for naught?
For people who don’t feel my conflict and have no idea what it’s like to be me, they beg me to tell them the truth – about everything, anything… but they’re sorry they asked. They end up sorry because once what’s in the deep dark corners of me comes to the light, they cut me off. Either from anger, sadness or confusion, I never get my words truly heard because their reaction either compels them to stop me or repels me before I can finish or they get wrapped around a very few words and the rest is lost on deaf ears. I don’t share because the numbers always favor someone freaking out.
The pain I’ve caused, both with my actions and my words, follows me around like a shadow. Small and predictable, overwhelming and frightening, but always with me – even in the dark. Especially in the dark.
But, something good did come of this... I’ve learned. It was an unfortunate journey that led me to this knowledge, but I’ve learned about myself, my love, and my life. Through the pain, I’ve earned the pearls that will change every day beyond this one into a better one.