When I was married, in the later, less happy years, when I sought companionship outside my marriage, it was always fun. Fun because there were no strings attached, no expectations of a lasting relationship, and nothing to argue about because of this lack of accountability. We just spent time together when our schedules allowed. And, when our schedules didn’t allow, still no drama – we weren’t married or a “couple.” It was easy - always.
If things got hairy or crossed any lines, I walked away. Because I could. I didn’t work on these cuz I didn’t need to – they weren’t real and they weren’t with anyone that was going to be around for long.
Now that I am unmarried, there seems to be no ‘playing with friends’ because everyone I’ve met, it seems, is looking to settle down. I don’t WANT to settle down! I’m just exiting settled down. Not settled is so much more fun – albeit lonely.
Lonely is another struggle. Without the ability to be myself – on my terms – for myriad reasons, I’m lonely for me! I’m mourning the loss of my former life, while trying to build my new one and honestly, it’s not working out because somewhere I got lost in the shuffle.
I will be lonely for a while. But, I will find myself forever.
And no, I don’t expect other people to understand.