Let me begin by explaining that unless I am enamoured with you or being seduced by you, I probobly do not want to touch you and certainly do not want to be by you. Additionally, I am somewhat audio-sensitive and certain sounds and the volume of almost all sounds is irritating to me and can cause me some anxiety.
All that being said, this is what was going through my crazy head at the party...
Not long after we arrived, a man volunteered to be restrained on a cross and flogged by a woman who does demos of flogging and impact play at venues around the region. He removed his shirt and for the benefit of the 3 newbies, she flogged him with a variety of implements made of leather, chains and wood. As she used these, she explained how to safely use each and what areas of the body to avoid. After each implement, she lightly rubbed his back (which was getting redder and angrier with each passing minute) with her free hand as she selected her next toy. This is the first time I've seen anything like this. The part that freaked me out was her rubbing his back. I played it cool though. Kinda.
After more toy talk, the flogger asked if there were any other volunteers - maybe one of us newbies - who wanted to see what it was like on the cross.
Nope, not me, I'm good, thanks.
Out of nowhere, the other new girl says "Yeah, I want to see what it's like." (Oh, let me mention that the other 2 newbies were a married couple.) So, she raises her shirt and gets on the cross. Now, at this point in the evening, I'm exhausted, it's really late, and I had no intention of staying this late in the first place, so I'm starting to fall apart.
She seems to be enjoying her experience. The newbie is giving us feedback as she feels the differences in each implement - some were "thuddy" and some were "stingy." I'm sitting on the couch. I'm feeling hot (not hot and sexy, but warm - very warm.) She's feeling pretty good and expanding her horizons and I find myself sinking into the corner of the couch with my face flushed, my body language clearly stating, with my arms and legs crossed, that I am uncomfortable and I'm not beathing so well. (Appearrantly, I'd been holding my breath for a while.) And I feel all of this anxiety at once - like a heavy weight on my chest. The newbie gets back to the couch with her husband commending her bravery and I'm asking myself "What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I such a spaz?"
Then, one of the ladies at the party asks me if I identify myself as a dom or a sub.