1. I could sit around and keep crying and try to figure out what 'giving your heart to someone' meant.
2. I could pick up the phone and call him. I could ask the expert - the one who told me, with such authority - that I hadn't given him mine.
And I was tired of sitting around crying.
When he picked up the phone he had a 'tone' - you know the one. Like, he was doing me a favor by answering my call. I was nervous. This could help me out tremendously or it could go very badly and hurt me worse.
I explained that what he had said a week ago hurt, becuase it was true. I hadn't given my heart to him. And I just didn't know what it meant. I told him that I needed him to tell me, so I could move on. He did.
What it all came down to is that, with my actions and my words, I didn't give him reasons to trust me. And, we both took ownership for what we did that led up to this.
The conversation continued. We admitted that it had been a terribly lonely week without each other. We caught up on a little small talk: my flowers look great, he's been writing, our kitties are doing well (mine and one of his are sisters, after all.)
Then, it got honest. I thanked him for being the adult he was when he said, with extreme care, the things that hurt me. I thanked him becuase I needed to hear them. I regretted they weren't said 8 months ago, but also acknowledged that I wouldn't have heard them then. Everything has a time and a place. Back then, the words would have fallen on deaf ears and no lessons would have been learned from them being said - for either of us.
Before we hung up, he thanked me for calling and asking him to clarify.
We had talked for an hour.
And once it was over, I felt releived. I was in a better place because his voice had shifted over the conversation from defensive and indifferent to warm and affectionate - the way it always has been.
We both know the other is doing some hard work. And we're doing it alone. But, I know he's rooting for me - and me for him.
But, most importantly, I know what he meant by 'opening my heart.' It helped me identify what piece of me I need to work on to be able to do that one day.
Yes, I still cry every day. I regret not having this conversation months ago. But, timing is everything - and right now is the time to reflect and learn from this.