This I know.
I’ve thought about this for days and decided right now was the time to sit and get my thoughts down before I forget them. I have no idea where this will lead, but here goes.
I want to be let in and to let someone in.
My defenses are always up and very few people get inside to the real me. The older I get, the more obvious it is to others, that they are outside the walls surrounding my heart. When they know they’re dealing with someone who’s keeping them at a distance it pushes them away.
For most of my adult life, my Ex loved me beautifully. He paid attention. He anticipated my needs, stayed 2 steps ahead of me and bought the most thoughtful gifts. Once, when I asked him what he’d do without me, he said he’d die. I knew he wouldn’t die, but I knew that without me, he’d become a different man.
25 loved me, too. He kept things exciting and let me be more of me than I had ever been with anyone, at least. He never judged anything I ever said or did. It was refreshing. He made me feel free and light and deeply desired.
The most self-aware and willing to do the work to make it work is HFC. He wants my heart. And I want to give it to him. But I can’t. Timing is everything.
These loves were different, almost opposites in their foundations. But both were valuable to me because they fulfilled my needs.
So, when I’m asked what I’m looking for out of a loving relationship, this is what I can tell you.
I want to be loved unconditionally and openly.
I want to be touched and kissed.
I want to be unafraid to say what I need.
I want to feel like a valuable partner.
I want to be supported in my adventures – all of them.
I want someone who’s thoughtful and in return appreciates when I take care of them.
They have to love my children and my family – because we’re a package deal.
I want someone to notice every little detail - all the time - because they want to.
I need someone to capture my heart and mind so completely I won’t want to stray.