Not together - maybe a few times - just so he could show me how to download it and where to save the files.
Our love life was messed up long before we even knew our marriage was in trouble. So, I would look at what porn he was downloading. Looking at what kind, what the situations were, what kinds of girls he watched - I was looking for trends, what he was "in to."
I guess I thought if I could replicate what he wanted, he'd want me.
Don't misunderstand, I was never against him watching porn, we both knew each other did it. And I do not think he had a porn addiction.
But even when we did have sex, it was nothing at all like what I thought he wanted - even when I tried to make it more like the porn he collected.
So, after several failed attempts, I concluded that his lack of interest in sex with me was really a lack of interest in me. This was, in fact, confirmed durring an intensive group therapy session when he, himself, told me exactly that.
I remember the pain in his face - he was looking straight in my eyes when he did. I heard someone in the group gasp when he said it. I told him that I knew, and that I had known for a long time. And then I told him that it was OK.
To be honest, what he said didn't shock or upset me. It didn't hurt in a heartache sort of way, I don't remember it hurting at all, actually. I was more suprised that he said it - in a group of strangers, than at what he said.
And to this day, I can count so many more hurtful things he has said. But, what makes that moment memorable (aside from the guy gasping in horror somewhere to my left) is that once he said it, I could FEEL the releif as a huge weight was lifted off us. It was out there - and at least I knew.