Inside each of us is everything we've ever done, everywhere we've ever been and everyone we've ever cared about.

Are those the things that draw us to each other?
Did those emotions and events shape our personalities and make us either funny and outgoing or downcast and solitary?

I guess my question is this: without those unique experiences and relationships - would we even be who we are now?

I don't think so.

"I will be alone all my life. I never took any of the chances that were presented to me and now it's too late. That's ok tho. You can't miss something you never had...."  -- Anonymous

I only took a few chances in my life, but I'm still ~relatively~ young and I know you can miss something you never had. There were more chances I didn't take - and that's what's bothersome now.

I am, however, trying to remedy that. I am taking steps to go back to a few missed opportunites and blaze a trail for myself. Even if I took the safe route long ago - I'm sure I passed on the unforseen so I could pursue it now - at this exact moment in my life - becuase NOW is really the right moment.

(Boy - what a little fresh mountain air and a trip to a Visual Arts Museum will do to a girl!)

I'm back!

Can't wait to get in my own bed, so I'll just leave a brief note.
The trip was worth it. Good work. Good food. Good people.

Here a few highlights:
1. Witnessed some incredibly small town life in Tennesee. (I stuck out like a sore thumb.)
2. Met some really awesome people who have changed me forever.
3. Stayed in a beautiful, historic hotel with a fantastic bed, but terrible pillows.
4. Won a sex position contest.
5. Lost my amatuer status after earning a few bucks while I danced on a bar.

Even without my cell phone or any other access to the world for a week, the trip was amazing.

More later.

Well, I'm off to see if bears really do shit in the woods.
Full report on that upon my return.
I'll be gone till next Friday...
Miss me!
xoxo
nb

Fear is a powerful thing.
We all know that, but we also know that it shapes people's lives in both good and bad ways.
Keeping those facts in mind - I wonder wich happens more?

I have lots of fears - maybe not so many FEARS, but several fears and dozens of "worries."

Some of my fears may seem silly or childish and some may be considered by sane adults as completly irrational.

But, hey - you can't argue with crazy.

What I really love is finding people who will admit what scares them and that they have the same silly fears I do.

I found a friend a few years ago, that after several cocktails, admited that they were scared of the dark, thunder/lightening and nuclear war. I was stunned. Those are 3 of my top 5 fears. The ones I have nightmares about. (Especially that last one.)
I HAD to know more.

"What do you mean you're afraid? I wouldn't think you were scared of anything!"
"What me?! Yeah!"

I remember how refreshing it was that they trusted me with something so personal thats considered childish to most. What if after admitting they were afraid of thunder/lightening I laughed at them? They took a risk in telling me - and I remember that as well.

I'll tell most people I'm afraid of the dark, but I haven't told many that nuclear war has fucked with my psyche since "Red Dawn" came out with Patrick Swaze (RIP) in 5th grade.  Who lets their 5th grader watch that?! The teachers at Patton Elementary - thats who!

The one thing scarier to me than my flesh melting off my bones as the earth around me scorches or slowly starving to death as humanity turns on itself to survive is being open with the people that love and care about me. 

I want to be open - really open. I do. It has to be an awesome feeling.
But I don't know how.

I just realized how to be open with myself... baby steps.
Yep, baby steps and patience.
Jesus - this is going to be hard.

Oh. My. God.

I didn't watch this video thinking about how sexy these girls are and how I'd rather be there myself admiring them than watching it on the internet - I was watching it and thinking "What they're doing is some serious work!"

And then, not thinking about how these ladies try to make thier living in society's off-hours and back rooms, I realized there's actually a U.S. Pole Dancing Federation! Who knew? (I guess I didn't!)

This is impressive ya'll.

I often marvel at how different people like different things - even when they're with different people.
Why?

Sweet dreams...

I want to try something new.

It's not anything bizarre (I don't think) but something I have never been good at, and I'm ready to attempt it once more.

I've never liked to be blindfolded or tied up durring sex. I HATE not at least being in control of myself, especially in vulnerable or intimate situations such as sex. But I think I'm ready to try again... but theres a catch.

It won't be that I'm blindfolded and he isn't - no way.

This time around I'm thinking we both will be. Maybe just an unscented candle for a tiny bit of light, but no music - only our voices. No scents - just each other and the essence of sex - you know the one.

I'm thinking it would be best of we had to communicate without words. Moans, giggles, sighs, kisses, licks, light touches, more forceful placing of hands on bodies, etc... to see where it leads - to new places?

But I think the catch is that it has to be with the right person at the right time. In my opinion, this isn't something that would be as fun or as memorable with an aquaintance or someone with whom you don't share a level of trust - becuase this is intimacy.