I can do anything I want.
I have lots of choices - and I can't decide.
I can see whats happening... so I have to do whats next.
I have no idea what to do next.
I can do anything I want.
I have lots of choices - and I can't decide.
I can see whats happening... so I have to do whats next.
Tomorrow is MY day.
I will do whatever I want and nothing else.
I will not look for a job or talk to anyone about an opportunity they may have until Friday.
Every day brings something new... and I'm ready for it to stop.
When it pertains to my career, it's what I love most - the thrill of knowing that no matter what you have planned, no day is ever what you expect it to be. So exciting, I live for it!
But in my personal life - it's wearing me out.
I hear the words said to me, but I don't feel them.
I see the actions those around me take, but I can't appreciate them.
I'm the luckiest girl in the world, and I know it, but I don't feel that way.
Every night I pray that tomorrow will be easy... and it never is. Never.
When I find a way to cope with today and I look forward to tomorrow, something new develops that I wasn't prepared for - and we start all over again. Every. Single. Day.
I was raised to be better than this - tougher - even though others don't feel the same about me.
(You know who you are.)
And now I'm fragile. The smallest things breaks me down - and others pay the price.
Why? What happened to me? Why am I not that girl anymore?
Or was I delusional for 30 years?
30 fucking years?!
You have GOT to be kidding me!
I don't care anymore... I just want it to stop - every day being different than yesterday.
I'm tired - but I'm ready for what comes next.
Truth is delicate.
Truth can offer so much happiness and cause so much pain - in the same conversation.
Hearing the truth hurts, but telling the truth can hurt, too.
Hurting someone with the truth, whether they ask for it or not, can be as painful as being caught off guard with it yourself. It's unavoidable though - all of it - the hearing and the telling. At some point you will be on the shitty side of that conversation and the shitty side will be whichever side you happen to be on.
Sometimes though, even if hearing the truth cuts through you like a knife, you know you needed to hear it and you're grateful - even if it's not right away. These are the pearls that are gifted to you through pain that can change your life. Do you choose to take that little, unsolicited pearl and use it to make your life better? Or hide the pearl where you'll forget about it – and the pain?
You know your life is in turmoil – chaos – when you’re both collecting and confessing truths on the fly.
Once truth travels from your heart to your head to your mouth then leaves… you can never get it back. It’s out there – forever. Their face gets pale, they cry, their eyes turn angry, their breath leaves… and YOU did that to them. Was it worth it? Did you do it to help them? Or to get something off your chest they never needed to know? Or did they? Did they really? Was it a selfish attempt on your part to free your heart or soul or conscious from the thing that keeps you up at night?
Lately I’ve heard some raw truths, but I’ve also had to deliver them. Vocalized thoughts and feelings I’ve kept from loved ones and friends for years. It’s terrifying. Why did I tell the truths – the ones that I knew would hurt them – the ones they didn’t ask for because they didn’t know to ask…? Should they be wounded because they didn’t?
It’s because of my chaos that I don’t tell people more than they need to know. They wouldn’t understand and I don’t WANT to hurt them. When you offer too much, you cause pain. But when you keep too much back, it hurts them anyway. Why do I make things hard when it’s all for naught?
For people who don’t feel my conflict and have no idea what it’s like to be me, they beg me to tell them the truth – about everything, anything… but they’re sorry they asked. They end up sorry because once what’s in the deep dark corners of me comes to the light, they cut me off. Either from anger, sadness or confusion, I never get my words truly heard because their reaction either compels them to stop me or repels me before I can finish or they get wrapped around a very few words and the rest is lost on deaf ears. I don’t share because the numbers always favor someone freaking out.
The pain I’ve caused, both with my actions and my words, follows me around like a shadow. Small and predictable, overwhelming and frightening, but always with me – even in the dark. Especially in the dark.
But, something good did come of this... I’ve learned. It was an unfortunate journey that led me to this knowledge, but I’ve learned about myself, my love, and my life. Through the pain, I’ve earned the pearls that will change every day beyond this one into a better one.
It's time for a trip to the sex shop.
I don't buy my toys online anymore... I did it once and missed that the dildo I was buying smelled like cherries. Who the fuck fantacizes about cherries when they're desperate enough to use a dildo? I've never been with a man and thought, "Yeah, he's hot, but he doesn't smell like fruit."
So, after all the years I've had it, the smell has never worn off. I thought for sure it would have by now, but no. However, I've kept it and use it often becuase although the sickeningly sweet smell can get overpowering - especially when it gets warm - the shape is worth it and never lets me down.
Back in the day, I traveled for work. At first, it bothered me, but I found my groove and looked forward to each trip. I made a regular circuit around the country. Coast to coast, same cities over and over (and one trip to London)... so I had my regular hotels, resteraunts, nightclubs, spas, shopping and sex shops in each locale and time was built into each schedule to at least visit a few of my regular stops - but I almost always made it to the sex shops.
The merchandise varried a little, but nothing noteworthy. It was the clientele that was the draw for me. Not becuase I was trolling for a hook up, but becuase of the people watching. What do people in each city buy? Is Washington DC a sex toy culture or are they as into pornographic publications as London is? What's in the back room in Las Vegas vs. South Beach (there are porn conventions in each city - coincidence?)
Anyway, I also don't buy online becuase I'm such a visual person, I need to see and feel each thing since I can't return them once purhcased. A general rule is - nothing is too big and if it takes anything less than a 9V battery - its not worth it. I'm up to try anything but when I'm on my own dime, I stay with what I know.
I KNOW that I hate cherry scented sex toys - lesson learned and now I can't NOT think about sex when I see or smell cherries. Shame, really. I also know that I'm about to try something new. Something I've toyed with in the past... but didn't have the confidence to pull it off. I'll let you know how it works out and give a full product review once I try it out.
All that being said, I'm excited becuase it's been a while since I've been and I need something to capture my attention... something new and satisfying that doesn't smell like food. (Have I already asked "Who the fuck fantacizes about cherries?")
Recently I put a lot of effort into finding inner peace. It was a struggle because people talked about it so casually, but put so much weight on my finding it - as if they were confident they had. That being said - nobody could tell me how to find it, where to look or what it felt like. So... how can I trust that they even know what they're talking about?
So, I set off to find it myself - whatever it was.
I can honestly say I thought harder about that than I have ever thought about anything in my entire life. I wrestled with it. I asked those closest to me. I read about it, researched it and not only came up with what inner peace means to me - but how my apparent lack of peace affects my relationships with others.
My first assertion was that if you don't love yourself, you can't have an open, honest, free relationship with anyone. Sure, you'll have good ones - even great ones, but it will not be the same. You will, however, have life-changing relationships with those who truly love themselves. I’m sure this part of the journey doesn't happen for everyone, but this was my first step to finding peace.
The real change came for me a few hours later, once the house was quiet and dark and I was relaxed. So... if you have to love yourself to be truly connected to someone, do I love myself? Do I really?
So, the self-assessment began right then. In exercises led by your friends and family, teachers, counselors or even Human Resources, you'll do a quick overview of yourself and feel satisfied that you appeased whoever asked you to do it. If you're having a down day you may even make a brief list of what you like about yourself and what you think you need to work on. But, in the blackness of your room, when you look deep into the dark, scary reason that has you on this journey for peace, you have to be really, painfully honest - with yourself.
First, I looked at the aspects of my life, personality and character by which, I felt, others would negatively judge me - the things that I am most insecure about. Some of them were even secret things about me that not many people even knew, because I was afraid to tell them. Then, I looked at each of those things individually and tried to decide if those were traits that I liked or wanted to change about myself – was I ashamed? ... and I didn't want to change any of them. So, the light bulb went on in my head: Why am I insecure about those attributes in the first place if I'm not willing to change them? Would I want to be my friend? Would I want to love me? Yes, I would - even for the things that I'm afraid others wouldn't accept. If they don’t, it’s up to me to seek out those who will.
Once I realized that there is nothing about me that I'm ashamed of, it all became so clear - clarity I've never felt before. It became so very clear, it felt peaceful. Peace. The thing that I was looking so hard for. Something I've never felt before, not like this. It's a very powerful and empowering moment. I could literally feel a weight being lifted off my shoulders. I didn’t move – I couldn’t. I was afraid I’d loose that foreign, freeing, beautiful feeling.
I slept soundly that night.
When I woke up and thought how I had worked through finding my own inner peace, I knew nothing could stop me. I had a confidence I had either lost long ago or had earned on this journey and it felt good. It still does. I'm not going to lose it.
Something else that comes with inner peace is clarity. I know it sounds corny, but stay with me on this – it’s happened 3 times. In the weeks since I’ve known this new confidence, I’ve cried, felt hurt, confused and frustrated with my life and love – peace does not grant you a charmed life, free of conflict. And just when I think it can not get any harder to sort out, the answer I need comes to me both mentally and physically. I realize what I have to do and I can feel a weight lifting from my shoulders just as it did the night I found what I was searching for. Maybe it feels the same because the search for answers is the search for peace? I don’t know. But so far, on the 3 occasions I’ve gone forward with the answer that comes to me so clearly, without the distractions of everything else in my head, in my life and in my heart, I haven’t been sorry.
You've heard the saying "Be careful what you wish for becuase you just might get it." I can tell you now that I believe that adage is true.
Over the last 7 months, I've learned that if you really did have an opportunity to make a wish - you have to be EXTREMELY specific and articulate your wish in a very thoughtful way that leaves no loose ends.
This plan, however, does NOT involve praying for something. When you pray for something, your deity of choice will either say yes, no or wait. If you're a faithful person, which you would be to be praying in the first place, you would be content with whatever the answer was and how it affected your life and the lives of your friends and family and others around you.
Lately I've been thinking hard about who I know and who knows me. There are several reasons for this but 2 in particular stand out.
My hairdresser, someone who has known me for years but is not a close, personal friend, described me to myself. It was an eye opener. But it got me thinking about how she developed that opinion and the many sides of myself I let people see.
For instance, there is the professional me, the social me, the me my family knows (and loves!) and the me that I know. All different. People really DO know the me that I allow them to see, but nobody ever sees the real, full on, entire package, not since college anyway. And now that girl is a shadow of the handful I've become. The average person probably couldn't wrap their head around that - or me.
You see, I'm a bit unusual. I know this as fact because people tell me. Why would they tell me, you wonder? I don't know either! But they do. They feel compelled to seek me out to tell me in any setting and at any time. Some are strangers and some are closer. So weird! But when they tell me, people always say it with a smile, so I'm assuming it's meant in a good way, but I can tell they know there is more to me than meets the eye.
Anyway, the other event that got me thinking about this is a comment from someone else - since I don't feel comfortable with sharing all of me with my friends - I just need new friends. Ouch.
I do keep things hidden away. I'm not the only person in the world who does - and I shouldn't be penalized for that. Sometimes people just don’t need to know every single thing about me. Truthfully, does anyone need to know every minute detail of everyone they know? That would be exhausting.
One aspect of natalie that many people can relate to is that it is so much easier to share your secret identity (aka yourself) with strangers than with people close to you. Again, I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I know this because the strangers I talk to are happy I'm a stranger too.
She will never tell you everything.