And it panicks me.
Once again, I find myself in a situation where nothing is my own.
And it panicks me.
Hearts are breaking all around me.
This is a not at ALL me boasting, but me recognizing my impact on the ones I love and care about.
It has been confirmed that I am the cause of all their pain and I can’t do anything for them now.
I’m not trying to be selfish. I’m just trying to be honest – but I can’t stand what’s happening. So, I’m pulling away. That’s all I know to do right now.
As we age, our standards change.
Usually, our standards get higher - it's harder to impress us, harder to make the cut to be allowed into our inner circle, and predictably (I hope), harder to date us.
Sometimes, our standards don't get higher. We don't get caught up in what we're supposed to do, but rather, we keep doing things we want to do with whom we want to do them.
But as we age, we also bring perspective with us that we've gained thorugh expereince and watching our friends learn - or not learn - life lessons.
I've always had high expectations of myself and therefore everyone and everything around me. I feel ok about that becuase I don't ask of you anything I wouldn't ask of myself. But are expectations and standards the same or different?
I kinda' can't decide where I am now on several important things. Have my standards risen? Yes - in many ways. But I also don't want that to keep me from some pretty terrific things in life becuase I allowed my 'high' standards to change who I really am.
I'll be thinking on this some more.
I've become very good at identifying when something is not my problem but someone else's.
I knew that before, but what I didn't know was how to make sure YOUR problem didn't become MY problem.
Now I'm a champ at it.
*patting myself on the back*
I'm not a fervent believer in holistic healing, the vegan diet or manipulating energy fields to heal your body, mind and soul, but I like to listen to people who are talk about these lifestyles becuase I'm fascinated by how normal it all seems to them. They describe new therapies, recipes and experiences with the wide-eyed excitement of a child on Christmas morning.
So, when the opportunity presented itself for me to ask 3 questions of a young woman studying to be a Reike MASTER (Mmmm Hmmm, that's what I said) I did it. Why not? It didn't cost me anything. Reike isn't "fortune telling" and I don't think I'm crossing over to the "dark side."
I will hear from her in a few days with her "intuition" about what I asked.
I have no idea what to expect.
By now you all know that I get restless. And lonely. And those who know me well know what that can lead to.
Restless and lonely are a dangerous combination for Natalie Blake.
When the two combine, the result is an overwhelming drive to attain large amounts of adrenaline, dopamine and oxytocin in the most effective, reliable and efficient ways I know. I couldn't be lucky enough to be addicted to drugs or alcohol - something I could ditch in 12 steps and maybe a new cell phone number... I had to be the girl constantly seeking increased levels of pleasure and excitement hormones.
I'm walking a daily tightrope. I want to get to the other side, but the pole I'm carrying is causing me to lean way to one side, then the other.
I need something exciting soon. Very exciting, very soon.