1. I am a font snob
2. A goooood Bloody Mary is my preferred drink while poolside and/or with steak
3. I like my steak "Rare+"
4. I fight the system
5. NO ONE gets all of me
I am often attracted to guys with lots of tattoos. Not men with 1 or 2 tats strategically placed so a golf shirt or ankle sock hide them –I’m talking about guys with sleeves of ink.
But, it’s not the tattoos that turn me on – in fact, I think tattoos are gross (and no, I do not have one.) And I don’t like “bad boys” because, seriously, the last thing I need is drama. I don’t always want them in my life – I just want them in my bed.
If I’m feeling sexual chemistry between 2 guys and one is covered with body art, I’m fucking that one.
It’s because I interpret their refusal to conform to mainstream societal expectations as a willingness to embrace life on the fringe.
It has been my experience, that most people covered in tattoos are very open, self-aware individuals. They don’t worry what anyone else thinks about who they are or what they do. And because they are often judged, they can be some of the most accepting of new ideas and experiences.
And don’t forget how categorically tactile-centric they are. They love the pain. They love feeling. They love the adrenaline and dopamine. It is on this level we are the same.
Insecurity is an insidious affliction.
Everyone has a few things they don’t love about themselves, whether physical or character traits. But when insecurity becomes crippling, it not only affects the insecure person, but everyone around them.
I’m insecure about some things, but no more than most people, in my opinion. I’m very aware of the wrinkles around my eyes, that my muscle tone isn’t what it once was, and that I laugh too loud most of the time. My hands are showing their age, I’m bad at math and I’m embarrassed that I cry a lot – even though I often can’t help it – because I cry at the most inappropriate times.
One of the things I’m good at is reading people though. I can look beyond who they want you to see to who more of who they really are. I can do this because I truly care about people. Even those who don’t care about themselves, or me.
My observations about insecurity:
1. It keeps you from really getting to know people.
2. It causes undue anxiety.
3. It annoys more confident people.
4. Other insecure people feed off your insecurity, which causes you to feed off of theirs, and that situation turns into an embarrassing scene for everyone involved.
5. Complementing insecure people and reminding them that they have nothing to be ashamed of does not make them more secure.
6. People who seem overly confident are usually the most insecure.
7. The root of insecurity is shame. We aren’t born shameful, we allow other people to make us that way – with their words, actions and judgements.
Now, I’m not judging anyone - I admitted a few things I don’t love about myself, albeit trivial things. But I have always been a confident individual. And over the last several years, I have strengthened what was already there by doing the work to push out of my life the shame I had let other people cast upon me. It’s ongoing work. But it’s routine work now, like paying bills or sweeping the floors. There is always going to be people trying to make themselves feel better by making me feel bad about myself. And once I learned how not to allow them to do that, it changed me.
Yes, people hurt my feelings.
Yes, I sometimes get upset at what people say about me.
Yes, I have to work at letting it go.
Yes, I’m human.
No, I’m not better than you or anyone else.
Now, when I encounter insecure people I want to tell them about the 8th thing I’ve observed about insecure people.
8. It negatively affects everyone in your life. So stop being selfish and deal with your shit.
Let’s start with work.
This place does not let entrepreneurs and free-thinkers thrive.
It’s way too structured and the amount of office politics surrounding everything we do is suffocating.
A few months ago, I gave up another opportunity to work with a man on a team that I liked working with before.
But I decided to stay where I am because it’s secure and close to home and the kids’ school.
And I struggle with that decision.
I’m not supposed to be in a few relationships I’m in. And I’m stuck. These are relationships I cannot get out of easily. And they cannot be fixed.
I may just try the “Band-Aid approach” and end them quickly – no matter how bad it hurts. Because it’s what’s best for everyone. I will take the heat for being the “bad guy” in each situation because someone has to do what no one wants to do. And later, after the dust settles, and those people are thinking clearly, they will realize they are better off without me and I hope I will know I am happier without them.
I have written and re-written and deleted this post several times.
I have so munch to say, but I can't put any of it into comprehendible sentences, much less into a sensible structure someone could follow.
At a high level, it doesn't seem so bad.
It's when I delve into the details of each stressful area of my life that it becomes overwhelming.
And I am not yet at a point where I can successfully determine which stressors are worthy of copious amounts of my energy and which seem like a big deal, but aren't really - becuase right now they all feel equally urgent, irreconcilable and hopeless.
I realize those are all very dramatic words but lighter synonyms don't convey the weight of how I feel.
Recent and current events are rife with blog topics.
And I keep my own secrets - but it is harder to keep the secrets of others while blogging about my life, feelings and experiences.
That being said. There is a LOT going on right now but I am trying to sort it out and determine what I can write about without breaking promises.
Just wanted opu to know I haven't forgotten about all 2 of my fans!
The thing about therapy is that it is usually structured for you to move along at your own pace. No one can force you to make progress. You have to want it and be ready to do the work because it’s not easy.
From my experience – and I have some – after bigger breakthroughs, I need a few weeks or sometimes months to chill. I still go my appointments, but we work on the “back-burner” topics that don’t require the amount of intensity to move past. And I use time between harder efforts to think about how my new insight or strategy or tools can be applied to my life and relationships. Then something inside me tells motivates me to get excited about the challenge of another round.
But life often surprises us with people and situations we aren’t prepared for.
It’s all about timing.
And all we can do at that point is the best we can.
However, I’ll admit that sometimes I do resent those “surprises” because when they happen, they derail my therapy. Typically, I’m in the of middle working on something completely different when I have to stop what I’m doing and figure out how to deal with X, Y and Z.
Part of me wants to say “That’s not fair!”
But the other part of me knows life’s not fair.
So I say very little about that.
There is a "he" or a "him" that will always be the "only one" of or for something.
There is "only one" guy that I let take pictures of us having sex.
I chose "him" becuase I trust him like no other.
"Only one" man is my role-play partner.
It doesn't feel right with anyone else but "him."
"He" taught me Tantra.
The "only one" I don't feel stupid discussing it with.
The "only one" who encouraged me to explore polyamory...
and showed me how it wasn't for "him" but for us.
I miss how cool "he" is.
Actually, I miss all the ones that are "only ones."