Went to a dinner party Saturday night - the first time in my life I went solo to something like that.
It was just - ok.
I felt uncomfortable in the presence of very warm people (whom I'd just met) in a familiar and inviting atmosphere - even 5 beers into the evening.
I felt conspicuous, although 2 other girls were also dateless.
I was lonely even though I was surrounded.
He doesn't follow me anymore.
He's probably unfriending me right now.
And I feel so foolish because I can't even bring myself to delete his texts from last summer.
It's all about sharing something with someone who listens to you - really listens - then gets as excited about it as you do.
It's all bout the little things someone notices about you - because they want to.
It's all about knowing someone so well, so intimately, that no grand gestures are required... because the little ones take your breath away.
I got a request from a regular reader. (Don't act so surprised.)
He asked me to explain my thoughts on the differences between a slut and a whore. That's too easy. A whore has sex for money/gifts and a slut doesn't.
I'd rather discuss the difference between a slut and a sex addict.
I'll start by tossing out that, in my opinion, sluts are loose girls, who have some boundaries and are somewhat choosy about their partners. They know that at the end of the day, they are accountable for their actions, have to live with the consequences and want to be able to sleep with their conscious at night. They just want to feel loved by someone. *sniff*
On the other hand, I would speculate that sex addicts are less finicky. It seems that they could very well be opportunists with few or no boundaries as to who, when, and where they have sex. Just like any other addict, they are in it for the quick fix and do not care who they hurt with their actions.
INTERESTING FOOTNOTE: Sex Addicts Anonymous (www.sexaa.org) is headquartered in my hometown.
This morning I read about the escapades he found himself enjoying last night - that have even carried over into today.
And, in a painful twist, I see that he was enjoying himself with someone else. He's found someone else to give his attention to. I guess my plans not to unfollow/unfriend are backfiring in a major way right now.
I actually felt terrible about how our breakup had unfolded. I had never wanted to sever ties with him. But it didn't work out that way and I can't do anything about it now. #snakesonaplane
Aaaannnnyyyyywaaaayyyyy, I guess he's feeling better and his friends are taking good care of him.
It's is hard. To sleep, eat or breathe.
I miss him terribly.
And yesterday broke my heart even more. If I didn't have good friends who love me and dropped everything to be there for me, it would have been even harder.
From a place of pain and anger, he hurt me with his words.
After a few rounds of biting texts I had to make the decision to stop engaging. I recognized his state of mind and motives and acknowledged that writing back would only make matters worse.
I'm struggling with that because I had never planned to cut him off like I did - to completely stop talking, texting, calling... but I didn't know what else to do at the time. I wasn't going to let him say those things to me whether he meant them or not. I may have hurt him, but I didn't disrespect him, and I wasn't going to let him make me feel worse. So what am I supposed to do now? I'm stuck with staying silent. If I reach out to him, and offer an inch, I fear he'll take a mile.
And honestly, I was surprised and disappointed by his tone. The night before, he had left something on my doorstep that touched my heart with it's simplicity, elegance and sincerity - something unique to our relationship, I thought. And now this?
Maybe the gift wasn't as sincere as I had thought - but just a ploy to get back in. I hope it wasn't. And if it was, I hope I never find out.
Yes, words can hurt.
Yes, I do my best to choose them carefully.
No, I can not help it if you do not hear them.
One thing I’m good at – real good – is ignoring my pain, even though it’s bad.
I can throw myself into work, or family or even myself and shut out anything or anyone that hurts. Specifically when I do this with work, I jump in with both feet and stay heads-down until there’s either nothing else to do or the time comes when I absolutely have to face what’s haunting my idle thoughts. That’s why I try so hard not to have any.
Throughout my career, when this happens, it results in recognition by my superiors and/or peers and has even earned me industry awards. One of the worst parts of this cycle is that it can be rewarding in this way. Historically, there has been little motivation to stop.
Avoidance is my primary coping mechanism. It’s what’s delivered me through to the other side of whatever emotional challenges my life has ever put in front of me. And I’ve been doing this for as long as I can remember – even as a little girl.
But, that was then and this is now. And I’m trying to make changes – to be a more whole person, solid in myself. I can recognize what I’m doing, but I’m still human…
Although I am worrying, and crying, about today's events, I am resolute. I need to do this for no other person than myself - the person who should matter most.
I must tell you, I spoke with someone who has yet to steer my wrong on this journey, and she pointed out that:
1. he may be the right person at the wrong time.
2. it's ALL about the timing.
3. she can see my progress and agrees with my decision to take some time for myself.
4. I didn't tell her anything fatal about him or how I feel about him.
5. I may very well find him again one day soon - when the time is right - and then it could be the happiness I'm looking for.
I know she's pulling for him - for us - but she has my best interests in mind. And I do hope she's right, about all of it. But, if I never find my way back to him, I will never feel like it was time wasted. It was a relationship that was almost perfect - at almost the right time.