The drama wasn’t extreme.
Not by Natalie Blake standards.
But, it was fight, nonetheless.

The core issue was trust.
Words were said. Feelings were hurt.
One of us lost their cool from the start and one of us tried hard to keep it together, but cracked when reasoning seemed futile.

I didn’t do what I always do.
My go-to tactic crossed my mind – I could have ended the fight right then and there.
But I didn’t want to crush him. I had no desire to initiate a verbal assault that he would probably never recover from, and we certainly wouldn’t.

What struck me later is that I wasn’t prepared to crush him.
I didn’t have anything at the ready that I could strike a fatal emotional blow with, nor was I willing to do it.

I think that is the first time I’ve ever not done that.

 

gray

04/15/2013

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It's not that I don't enjoy color.
It simply overwhelms me.
 
 
In life, there are some conversations that are hard to have – and there are those that are even harder.

I will admit that I am better at apologizing than I used to be. And I am much better at acknowledging and accepting apologies then than I once was.

It takes a lot of courage to own up to something you have done wrong or someone. In my opinion, if the apology is sincere, the act of taking responsibility for one’s actions is the first step on the path to receiving forgiveness. 

I have never been a vengeful person, and the last few years have offered me so many opportunities to be vengeful…  It took a LOT of work to dig down deep enough, time and again, to rise above and take the high road. Now taking the high road has become second nature - not that it's always easy.

I feel very strongly that the act of being open to learn from an experience far outweighs hearing “I’m sorry” when actions or emotions go awry.

Do I get mad and vent and cry and say hurtful things out loud about people when I feel hurt and/or wronged? Of course I do. But, I do all of that in private – because I don’t always mean it and those feelings are not constructive. I get all of that out of my system so I can then focus on the silver linings, the reasons why something happened or the amends I have to make.

Making Amends:
1. State your intent.
2. Give specific ways your actions/words caused damage.
3. Take responsibility.
4. State your intent to change.
5. Ask for help with accountability.

 
 
1. I am a font snob
2. A goooood Bloody Mary is my preferred drink while poolside and/or with steak
3. I like my steak "Rare+"
4. I fight the system
5. NO ONE gets all of me
 
 
...things happen just as they should.
 
 
I have gotten used to spilling my guts on this blog.
I've told you things I haven't told anyone else.

I've said out loud what many people are thinking, but would never utter.

But I still have secrets...
 
 
When you think about it, the each of the words you chose matters, but how you string them together – and the tone you say them with matter more.  

And timing… timing is very important as well.

 
 
Just to keep harping on the relationship pitfalls of Facebook…

When I was married I reflected that in my Facebook profile. Then, once the divorce was final I changed my status – only to have that be the way the majority of my friends and acquaintances found out that I was no longer half of what many thought was the perfect marriage. It wasn’t just a click of the mouse, it was an embarrassing and public admittance of failure.  

Then, while I was dating BF, he was constantly nagging me to change my relationship status to “In a relationship”. I wouldn’t do it. I tried to explain that it had nothing to do with him, or how I felt about him, but he was adamant that even though I had introduced him to my family, my friends, taken him everywhere I’d gone for a year, and posted pics of us on Facebook and talked about him there, I must be ashamed of him - why else would I not want to tell my personal and professional friends that we were together?

He never understood that I didn’t ever want to uncheck “In a relationship” again.

Now TAG is here. He is awesome.

As soon as he wanted to Friend me, I explained the rules, guidelines and expectations of being Natalie Blake’s Facebook friend.  I told him that I would not change my relationship status, would rarely post pictures of us/him and would seldom mention him and that I don’t care what he does on his Facebook as far as mentioning me, posting pics of me, and how he wanted to manage his own relationship status. He seemed fine with that. He said he understood. He said he got why I didn’t want to announce to everyone I know that I was “in” then eventually “out” of a relationship.

But, I’m not sure he does get it.

He wrote me an email this weekend actually asking my permission to post a photo of us taken a few weeks ago while on a short vacation to the Hill Country. This is what it said:

“Babe – I know how sensitive you are about pics on Facebook and seems like you’re averse to mentioning me on there – all cool.  But, would you have a problem if I put this on my page?”

Does anyone else glean the passive aggressive tone underlying that first sentence? Hmmmm… not sure what to do with that.

I guess I’m going to keep my Facebook profile relationship-less.
Because of That. Right. There.

 
 
Today I communicated briefly with a good friend that lives in New York.

We haven’t known each other long and we don’t speak often, but we’re tight. 

I asked him about his new job, and his girlfriend.

He said they were in a fight about something and that their relationship probably wouldn’t last through the summer – it’s one of those “on again, off again” deals.

He asked about BF, and I told him I hadn’t heard anything from him since October.

I asked my friend what he and his girl fight about and what it is about her that draws him back in after a break-up. He mentioned some of her issues and they made me think about my own. His reply also made me think about what I’m willing to put up with and what character flaws in my own relationships would be deal-breakers.

He said he wasn’t really sure why he kept taking her back and that it was a question he asked him self often. He added that when things were good, they were really good. I completely understand that.

Maybe it’s about if there are more good times than bad and if the bad times get progressively worse over the months and years. It could also depend on if the other person acknowledges their faults and makes an earnest effort to change.

I told him about some of the things I’d been thinking about in my own relationship and he confirmed that guys think about those things, too. He said “It’s the future, it should be thought about.”

“Future” could be defined by the male and female of any relationship by two completely different set of parameters. Future could be next Christmas or 5 or even 20 years from now. Future could mean the interpersonal relationship you share or the materials things you acquire over a period of time.

Whenever the “Future” comes up, I do think about BF and all the talks we had that ended with “…in the future.” Those talks are some of the things that make me doubt the future. Or maybe they make we doubt people.  

In the end, my NY friend and I both agreed to stay the course for now and see where we end up – in the future.

 

Exactly

12/02/2011

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"Kiss me like you miss me. 
Fuck me like you hate me." ~ Drake